This election began as, potentially, the most intriguing competition in history. Two independents who can hold their own against the big dogs of politics, a world-renowned neurosurgeon, a former First Lady, a Canadian, and the promise of combative, in-your-face rhetoric that would serve as a primary source of entertainment for the rest of us for at least the next year.

The election that began by promising a competitive, interesting, and intellectual debate among a diverse and intellectual group, rapidly deteriorated into a grim catalogue of misinformation, slander, scandal and lies. What was supposed to entertain and inform the American general public, served to scare the pants off of every other first world nation as their leaders began to consider the possibility that virtually every available candidate would prove to be a disaster for not only the United States, but the rest of the world.

What began as a fairy tale election has spiraled into a very dark, Idocracy-esque joke.

Today we are going to join in the absurdity.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the candidates:

Donald Trump

Who is he?

A rambling egotistical business magnate, he is the leading Republican – and likely future nominee for the presidency. His political experience is absolutely zero and his policies are often questionable at best. He is famous for using the system to advance his goals, and his views are incredibly hard-line, even for a GOP member.

If Trump Was a Fairy Tale…

He would be Little Red Riding Hood. The version where the wolf eats all of the main characters.

Marco Rubio

Who is he?

An empty suit with a cocaine dealing brother who abuses his government power to help his criminal sibling – Marco is, of course, your establishment candidate. A slacker who regurgitates talking points and chooses not to participate in Senate votes (his job) because he’s going to quit. Our team is sure that if he is elected, his final years as president would be the pinnacle of success.

If Rubio Was a Fairy Tale…

He would be Sleeping Beauty, completely oblivious to everything around him and waiting, desperately, for a kiss of approval.

Ted Cruz

Who is he?

A pathological liar who will do anything to win, he might not even be a viable option considering that he was born in Canada. If elected, the Supreme Court will be faced with defining the term “natural born citizen”, and the government might not be faced with the threat of any more shutdowns.

If Cruz Was a Fairy Tale…

He’d be Rumpelstiltskin. Only, instead of guessing his name, you have to guess what country he’s from and if you don’t get it right, he’ll eat your first born homosexuals.

Ben Carson

Who is he?

A neurosurgeon who is less clumsy on the operating table than the campaign trail, he is a creationist who believes that dinosaurs never existed. He says that he tried to stab his close relative… or was it his friend? Either way, he always has fresh clothes.

If Carson was a Fairy Tale…

He’d be the Boy Who Cried Wolf, desperate for the attention of anyone who will spare it. Not that it matters – nobody will be voting for him anyways.

Hillary Clinton

Who is she?

A sleazy, email-coveting, stereotype politician, her screechy voice was recently, mere inches from defending itself in front of a grand jury. Possibly a plant of crony capitalism, she earns more money than you, and our team, at least, thinks that her husband loves her.

If Clinton was a Fairy Tale…

She would be Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Being the First Lady was too cold, being Secretary of State was too hot, running for President amid a plethora of scandals is just right.

Bernie Sanders

Who is he?

An eccentric ideologue, he believes that clicking his heels together will actually get him into the White House. His wispy white hair and monster noises belie the fact that he, really, has no platform to support his extravagant ideas.

If Sanders was a Fairy Tale…

He’d be the Elves and the Shoemaker, expecting egregious legislature changes to be conjured out of thin air by magical pixies.

The unfortunate truth is that this isn’t a Fairy Tale. These are really the people our campaign is up against. Vote for Art Drew. Vote for Reality.

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